Invisible to Love

I’m gonna be real honest with you…

I’m 19 years old, I’ve never been kissed and I’ve never been in a relationship.

As a first generation immigrant brought up and raised in America, the only thing I have ever truly known is the value of education.  And although I have always prioritized school work over a love life, I can’t help but wonder what it must feel like to be “swept off your feet”. Here is what I have learned about love from personal experience:

The summer before the 9th grade, my best friend (lets just call her Jenny) got her first boyfriend. The whole summer was spent sitting on a bench by the basketball courts watching her boyfriend shoot hoops. As their relationship blossomed, the friendship between Jenny and I started to deteriorate. I was cast off as the third wheel and informally ignored by both of them. What I took back from that experience was the effect boys can have over girls and how even your best friend can dump you for a guy. In conclusion, I thought boys where friend-stealers. All I wanted was my best friend back but I guess she changed and in her process of transformation, left me in the dust.

Since freshman year, I have found seven new girls that I am extremely close with. When I think about it, none of us (with the exception of one) have ever been in a relationship with a guy before. In high school, this was never truly brought to my attention until my junior year. Ah yes, the Junior/Senior Ball. Guys were finding interesting ways to ask girls to prom. Spring semester that year was filled with giant poster paper, roses, balloons and in some instances, a guitar serenade. No, I never got asked and yes, I was secretly hoping someone would. Neither the less, I still had a good time at prom that year. But I started thinking to myself, “Why wasn’t I asked to prom? Is there something wrong with me?!” I came to the conclusion that my lack of clothing style and shyness were the cause for being date-less to prom. No biggie! I can change my ways in college! So I thought…

Currently, I’m a first year at undergrad school. I go to all my classes, study vigorously for exams and don’t hesitate to go to my professors office hours. Between juggling my grades, honor society, volunteering and job hunting, I have still managed to retain somewhat of a social life. Occasionally, I have to remind myself to eat, breath and take a shower. Yet somehow, I meet girls who do everything stated above and then some. Take for example my friend “Diana”. Diana is a go-getter. She is motivated, ambitious and a seriously gorgeous social butterfly. She always seems to know everyone on campus and every time I talk to her, she tells me a story of the latest guy she is dating. Not only is Diana a natural at flirting but can get a guys number simply by blinking his direction (two guys gave her their number today. Neither one had a single class with her). Unfortunately, Diana, who oozes perfection, is one of the nicest most sincere people I have ever met. However, whenever I stand next to Diana, boys hardly notice me. I start getting this uncomfortable feeling of being ignored and left out. A feeling that hits close to the confusion I felt towards love during my high school years.

My Lessons on Love (to date): 

1. Love is a commitment. So much that sometimes you have to sacrifice friendships for it.

2. Love makes you question your “hotness”. It makes you want to straighten your hair, paint your nails and actually make you question your outfit choice all in hopes that boys will finally pay attention to you.

3. Love is rejection. Love is about being ignored. Most importantly, it’s about feeling invisible. 

– J

 

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One thought on “Invisible to Love

  1. OH my goodness I can totally relate. My best girlfriend, who I believed to be inseparable to me, completely dumped me for this total jack ass. I was devastated…and really angry… But whatever, life goes on.

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