Downpour in My Head

* Lots of stuff is happening in my head recently. I’ve been very numb about it but I think its time to say something. Call this a “dear diary” moment if you must…

It has been very rainy and cold up here in Northern California. I think the state of Oregon is rubbing off on us.  I am keeping a mental note to go for a nice long walk in the rain sometime this week before the clouds part once again. Tomorrow, I will start working out. Tomorrow. Yes, I have made this promise on so many Mondays I too have lost track but tomorrow is a brand new day and tomorrow I will finally start. My workload is piling up. I’ve got an anthropology exam, two pages of questions I must answer on chapter two for my political theory class, next weeks quiz on criminal law and an assignment due for my art history to worry about. I’m finally feeling the pressure.

I have noticed the sudden rise in my anxiety levels. Whenever a baby cries at the checkout lane, my heart rate increases. I can hear my heart beating in my ear and my palms start to sweat. My head begins to drum in that inconsistent manner which makes me clench my jaw. This has been happening so many times. Last week I came home crying because halfway into work I got such a bad migraine I felt the need to throw up. I was so frustrated! I shut every light in the house, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I popped two Advil’s very hastily into my mouth, a form of medical therapy I am not fond of. After two hours of sleep, I sat up on my bed and meditated for ten minutes. This numbed the pain quiet significantly. Another mental note: speak with my doctor pronto! My migraines are making a glorious entrance at least twice a week and this is not normal for me. Because of them, my anxiety is kicking in full gear. I keep visiting the dark corner of my closet once a week desperate for silence and emptiness. Unlike my usual “take the entire contents of my bedsheets” technique, I usually just hug my knees and keep my eyes closed. I am full of nerves due to transfer decisions out next month. But I think there is more to that. I can’t explain it just yet.

I have been having very strange dreams (not that I haven’t already). Some of them are very sexual, others are nightmarish, some are filled with my greatest fears of failure because of college. I have not gotten any dreams with faces from my past, just a blur of nobodies. This makes me happy because it seems to be the only thing that has remained “normal” about my dreams. With all this change happening, I feel as though my body is racing in front of me, trying to warn me about something. It’s yelling and screaming, arms waving high above its head. What is is trying to say? I think I’m supposed to prepare for something but I don’t know what! Then again, it could be the weather. Have I mentioned its been raining a lot up here in Northern California?

– J


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