New Post, New Year

Hello again.

It has been a very long while since I posted anything on this blog and I’m sorry for that. If anyone is still out there, let me begin by saying, thanks for sticking around so damn long! I’m assuming you are looking for an explanation, and oh boy do I have one for you.

Today is January 4th,  2015. A new year, another lousy resolution. But lets back-track to October really quick…

I started attending university as a junior on October 2nd of 2014, which for a kid still in school marks the real new year. I began my academic new year with a list of expectations. Earning good grades, making friendly relationships with my new house mates and finding friends was on the top of this list. But as always, my expectations were not quite met. My grades have been good but not great. My house mates and I get along well but admittedly have had a few hiccups along the way. Thankfully, I have formed a tight group of friends, my only fear is that next quarter when we no longer share a class, we might go our separate ways. Despite all of this, I have totally relished living in my very own apartment, cooking my own meals and being independent! However, I didn’t quite prepare for the avalanche of depression that hit me over winter break when I had to spend almost three weeks back home with my family.

I met the same girls from high school I would typically see on holidays. As always, I found topics of discussion to be boring and uninteresting. New relationships, boys, loss of virginity and college parties were where the conversations usually swarmed around. It was difficult to share my thoughts on an upcoming internship, unlikely friends I recently made or the fact that I literally lived in the library during finals week when the only thing that made anyone’s ears perk up was a boys name.

Being home also meant that I was on my parents clock. My whereabouts had to be constantly reported and all activities had to be placed on hold immediately because I had to do the dishes “right now”! Whenever I would complain about my parents persistent nature, accusations on my filthy apartment living habits would be fired. The constant need to defend my actions, annoyance and crabby attitude were driving both myself and my parents up a wall. My blissful, independent moment of peace in college was interrupted by the oh-so joyous holiday season, leading to my sudden plunge into depression. In addition, the lack of connection I felt with my old friends made me question why I was putting so much effort in seeing them every other night. Suddenly, home didn’t feel like home. I wanted to go back to college. I was, unbelievably, college-sick!

For the past couple of weeks, I have been miserable. My entire demeanor has changed after coming home for the holidays. My friends and my family have asked me several times whats wrong and honestly, the only explanation I can fester is that I miss school. Watching my mom when I told her how badly I wanted to go back to school made me sad. I knew deep down my mom loved when ever I would come home, but even she could see that I really really didn’t want to be here anymore. Maybe one day, I will crawl all the way up to my parents doorstep, begging them to let me in, allowing them to shield be from the horrors of taxes, rent and unemployment. But until then, let me be my productive little self and for the love of god, allow this winter break to end once and for all!

Beyond my desire to run back to college, I have also dealt with the many unexpected tragedies of life that I constantly never see coming. My house mate whom I just met in October, lost a close friend recently. His unfortunate death has hit not only her, but our entire group of friends in college. I never went to a funeral but his was the first one I attended. I was definitely not prepared for the experience of seeing someone who was literally in my apartment two days ago to seeing them in a casket. In addition, during this break, I found out that another peer whom I graduated high school with also suddenly died. The shock was overwhelming and I didn’t know I was so impacted by it all until New Years Eve when I cried over their deaths in a drunkin, hazy state of mind. Although I am extremely embarrassed about my actions, It has also made my think twice about how much I bottle up my feelings and its scary to think that I keep so much away from other and most importantly, my self. This final emotional blow had further buried by depression.

As new years is a time of reflection, I dedicate this post to keeping you and me both updated on the many curve balls that life has hit me these last few months. Unlike my typical list of resolutions I would normally be hashing, this year is going to be a little bit different…

1. Death, when observed up close, teaches you many things. For me, death has reminded me to be more compassionate towards others and mirror the actions of those that constantly show their love and support for me.

2. Trying to be the mysterious girl who doesn’t say much is really hurting me. I’m going to try to talk about how I feel more often in hopes of gaining trust in others and myself so that I am emotionally and mentally prepared for all the crazy stuff that gets flung my direction.

3.  Expectations give me anxiety. They make me want to strive for perfection even with the knowledge of knowing perfection does not exist. Less expectations equals a more care-free and stress-free me. It won’t be easy to think without a plan but I’ll give it my best shot.

– J

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