Thoughts on Mindy, Confidence and Being Scared Shitless

Reading Mindy Kaling’s book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, is very much addicting. A lot of what she talks about it relatable in context to her rules of life and likes and dislikes on the subtle things that consume everyone’s minds. However, in many ways, Mindy and I are complete opposites. For one thing, this girl is smart, witty and above all, confident. Me, well, I think I got the witty thing down and I’m working on the whole smart bit but confident? Yeah, I don’t really know what the hell that is.

Kaling talks a lot about her adventures in New York and her struggles working towards being a writer for sitcoms. She also mentions all the skits and performances she participated in to give her some leverage in the bustling world of entertainment. From comedy shows to stand up acts. Personally, I find this extremely amazing. I can totally study my ass off for an exam, read fifty pages of a book in one nights or write a comparative essay for my class. But acting on stage? Performing in front of a group of opinionated strangers with a spotlight on your face and what seems like a gazillion eyeballs shooting rays of judgment at you? I would be heading to my nearest exit in a heartbeat!

Like Kaling who oozes confidence, my parents are no different. By day they work as Wells Fargo employees in business management and computer engineering. By night, they perform on stage for theater shows, comedy acts and compete with other 40-somthing year old who still have the sprit of a 17 year old drama geek as if to peruse stage acting as a second job. If you think this is awesome, you aren’t alone. My friends are all big fans of my parents secret double life and always ask me how they can get tickets to their next performance as if I was their managing agent or something. But as the daughter of two ambitious parents, sometimes I feel like the black sheep in the family.

Personally, I am influenced by all the things I am too afraid to peruse or don’t have the lady parts to actually try. I live off the mantra “Do something everyday that scares you,” as quoted by some dead white dude whose name has just slipped my mind. Unfortunately, I haven’t had a good scare in ages but today might just be my lucky break I have been dreading. My parents are encouraging me to audition for a play one of there director friends has written. So I’ve been told, “it’s a humorous adamptation about indian kids who are brought up and raised in America!” (well, that sounds oddly familiar). They think this would be good for me. I think this will be torturous. I will try it.

Trust me when I tell you this, I am scared shitless. First, the audition process and if I get the part, rehearsals until holy crap, its final performance time! Not to mention the mental psyching-myself out phase right before I go up on stage. Somewhere in there, I might actually start feeling great about myself and then think I will be a sexy celebrity who gets an Oscar, Emmy and if I’m really feeling it that day, maybe even a Grammy. But right now I’m just scared shitless.

So the moral of this story is, if I can do something that has me shitting my pants, you can do it too. Confidence is definitely there inside all of us, it just takes some serious ballsy attitude (and a lot of wine or chocolate) for it to be found. So here it goes. I’m gonna try this. I’m gonna be all Mindy-ish and audition for this play. Then I’m going to daydream about how I will own a posh upstate Manhattan apartment in my 20’s with all the money I will make and die my hair “ombre” style and actually be able to pull it off.

– The Paintress

Scared vs Frightened

“Do something everyday that scares you.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

I remember hearing that quote for the first time and being really confused. I thought to myself, “If I wanted to do something everyday that scared me I would probably have to keep finding new ways of being a dare devil.” I used to think that being scared meant being frightened. Sometimes I still get those words mixed up but deep down I know they possess different meanings. Being scared is actually a lot more risqué then being frightened, at least thats how I see it. For me, being scared happens a lot more often than being frightened. When I am frightened, I am shaking with fear. The fear of something truly horrible happening to me, like death. But I am more scared in my own small ways everyday I wake up in the morning. I am scared of making a fool out of myself, making wrong decisions in my life and yes, I am also scared of what others think of me. As much as I desperately want the ability to simply brush off peoples opinions or remarks, they matter to me and can sometimes put me down. Thats what I am afraid of.

Upon reading this quote, I have come to realize how much of a whimp I truly am in my day to day life. I am shy, scared to talk to strangers, isn’t the best at making new friends and always tend to avoid the awkward moments where I am being shoved into a group of people I hardly can say two words to. You can imagine my mothers frustration now that I am a teenager about to embark on college. How sad it is to see her daughter not willing to be as out spoken or social as she. These are things that scare me. The idea of having to speak with people and converse with them, especially as much as my own mother does. She and I are polar opposites and I guess meeting her expectations is another thing that scares me.

“Do something everyday that scares you.” His words keep rolling around in my mouth. I can’t seem to shake them off. I try not to think about it too much but this one quote must have some profound meaning if I keep contemplating about it! When I look back on my life and think about all the moments I have missed out, the small things I could have done but was too scared to do, I think about the significance of this quote. I think about how everyday is a new page to a story waiting to be written. So I may have missed out on my chance to “Do something today that scared me,” but tomorrow is a new day.

Truly, there are a lot of things in this world that scare me. I am scared of public speaking, singing in front of people, acting. I am scared of opinions, negativity, unhappiness and disappointment. Perhaps this quote is too vague for someone like me. “Do something everyday that scares you, challenges you and pushes you to accept and live a life guilty free.” Does that sound better? No, no, no!  “Do something everyday that scares you without making you think about the things that put you down.”

I guess what I am trying to say is that, you don’t need roller coasters, spiders or a giant monster in your closet to truly scare you. The simple things in life such as going up on a stage in front of twenty people, singing karaoke (even though you know you suck at singing) in front of your crush, or voicing your opinion out even when you know others will disagree with you about it…those are the things that must be challenged. Those are the things that must be conquered at the end of every, scary day we live in. Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes, they are much more physical, but most of the time, they are emotional and mentally driven. They are what propel us to make judgments, doubt our actions and ultimately put us down. You have no idea how many times I have almost wanted to do something but failed to do it because my inner fear got the best of me. “Do something everyday that scares YOU. Own up to it, and don’t let it control your fate.” I think thats sounds about right.

– The Paintress